Can you keep cheating a secret

Everyone keeps secrets. They sit with us, like stones in our pockets. Some weigh us down. Others just exist. All are present. In fact, according to a study published last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , people keep 13 of them on average. The most common secrets are sexual in nature, researchers found: having to do with behavior or with romantic thoughts about someone outside of the confines of your primary relationship.

But all secrets, big and small, have a profound effect on you and your marriage — whether you notice it or not. Secrets in relationships are common. But a body of research suggests they can negatively affect mental and even physical health. A paper suggests that keeping secrets from a partner makes him or her less trustful of the secret-keeper, which creates a cycle that ultimately damages the relationship, writes lead author Ahmet Uysal, Ph.

A study out of the University of Santa Barbara suggests that unloading secrets helps people to stop stewing about the secret and thus increases the self-esteem of the revealer — but only when the person to whom they confess has a positive response. It would be a mistake, however, to oversimplify the research findings and assume that secrets always cause harm and revealing them always makes things better.

Karl Pillemer, Ph. Christine Hyde, Ph. But, with time, you can try to regain their trust. Research has shown that not being able to talk to one another is one of the most commonly cited reasons why marriages fail. Be willing to listen and talk to your partner. If you cheated because your relationship wasn't meeting your needs, tell your partner what those needs are. It's important you both understand each other fully and have a sense of what the other person needs.

It is OK to take a "time out" if emotions are running high or one of you is emotionally triggered. Sometimes, things need to cool down before you can be around each other again or talk about difficult topics.

Along with letting your partner have some alone time, you need to have together time, too. Plan date nights and, when your partner is ready, consider taking a getaway together. In order to move past the cheating, you and your partner need to be open to discussing and identifying issues and problems in your own personal life and in your relationship. You might consider seeing a relationship counselor or a marriage counselor to help with that process. Emotionally-focused couples therapy is a good modality for working through the pain of infidelity and to help rebuild new ways of interacting.

Some studies suggest that couples who experience infidelity and seek professional help often have optimistic results and are able to repair their relationships.

In addition to being forgiven by your partner, you need to forgive yourself. You should take responsibility for cheating, but you don't need to carry buckets of guilt for the rest of your life. One study looked at how couples rebuild their marriage after an affair. Researchers found that while the process was difficult, forgiveness played a critical role. Understanding the reasons you cheated can help you make peace with your own actions as well as inform the decisions you make about your relationship moving forward.

Be honest about why you cheated in the first place. Many people cheat because they're unsatisfied with the relationship. Maybe you fell out of love with your partner. It's possible you cheated because you were unhappy and wanted the relationship to end. Or, maybe you cheated because you're not as committed to your partner as they are to you. You may decide you don't want to continue the relationship. If you aren't feeling confident about putting in the work to repair the relationship and fully committing to your partner, be honest and tell them.

Some people cheat because they are seeking revenge for something their partner did to them. For instance, maybe you are angry at them for betraying you. Perhaps your partner cheated in the past or crossed your boundaries. Victims of sexual betrayal often seek revenge in the form of infidelity. Maybe you've felt neglected and lonely in the relationship, and you are seeking attention from your partner by having an affair with someone else. By cheating, you might've been fulfilling sexual desires that aren't being met in your relationship.

You and your partner can have an open conversation about your sexual needs—especially in a safe setting where you're both comfortable sharing, such as therapy. However, there may be needs your partner can't fulfill.

If you want to engage in sexual acts that your partner doesn't feel comfortable with, you have to honor their boundaries. Studies have found that people with certain personality traits may be more likely to cheat on their partners.

For instance, people who are more impulsive tend to have a harder time avoiding temptation. If you often engage in impulsive behavior, you might find it hard to use self-control in situations where you may cheat. Your attachment style —the way you relate to other people—may also influence cheating. People with an insecure attachment style often feel a lack of love from their partner and have low self-esteem. You might seek validation by having an affair.

No matter what type of personality you have, you can still have a successful, monogamous relationship if that's what you truly want. The first step is being honest and understanding yourself better. You may have been unhappy in your relationship for a long time. Cheating usually complicates relationships, even if it felt good in the beginning. It is courageous to be honest with yourself and your partner. You can recommit to your partner, or you both may decide it's better to move on and end the relationship.

Either way, accepting responsibility will help you progress. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Roggensack KE, Sillars A.

Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Who knows. But we are going on a form of monogamy that is tied into a heteronormative Judeo-Christian tradition of marriage from years ago, when we were living to be an average of 38 years old. Back then, by the time we got bored with each other, we were dead.

For couples today who are expected to live together for a lifetime, based on these traditional ideas of marriage, we have a life span of upward of 90 years.

Can we stay desirous and monogamous for 90 years? Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege. It is an agreement. It is a choice. It is something you choose every day. It is also designed to be a mutual decision, a gift you give to one another.

A promise. Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be. After an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement.

What constitutes monogamy for both of you? What is a secret, and what should be private? Are you sexually exclusive? Are you emotionally unique to each other? Renew your monogamy agreement often. After all, we renew our driver's license every few years. Why not our relationship? I know! Sounds impossible, right? In today's world, "tech cheating" is easier than ever.

We can cheat on our partner lying in bed next to them, on our phones and handheld devices. Try putting down your phone, turn off your apps, and just back off for a while. Shut down your social media. Are you addicted to the excitement of cheating? The illicitness? The forbidden nature of cheating? Can you incorporate something adventurous into your life instead, to capture some of that excitement in a different way without sending naked selfies to strangers?

Take up a hobby like hang-gliding, or ski some moguls. Affairs can be fun, but lying and hiding a secret life can make you feel terrible about yourself—not to mention destroying the very foundation of your relationship and hurting someone you ostensibly love. One way to change your tech cheating is to break your relationship with technology.

Stop liking everyone's posts, don't Snapchat, don't "friend" people, and stop posting selfies; let it all go, for a finite period of time. Let yourself go into withdrawal. Deal with all of the feelings that come up when you have nothing to occupy your time. Make eye contact with other people when you're talking to them. But do it right. You may owe them—and yourself—more complete closure.

Thank them for your time together, apologize for anything you have done to hurt them, and tell them what you will or will not do going forward. And never ghost. That's just not OK. Let them know that you appreciate the relationship. If you loved them, tell them it was true. Be honest about your boundaries going forward. If you have to see them every day, like at work, for example, tell them you'll be "light and polite," but you can't continue in the way you've been operating.

Tell them why. If it's because you are getting back with your spouse, tell them you are making your marriage work. Let them know you need time to think things through. It's OK to admit ambivalence. You probably have strong feelings both ways; you want to stay, but you know you have to go. Tell them. But be clear that you know the best thing for you right now is to end this affair.

Finally, change your behavior. Don't keep texting or calling or flirting at the water cooler. Really give them a chance to get over you, move on, and get another lover. Give them the space they deserve. This is the most important step of them all. Tell your partner how you feel. What do you want in your marriage or committed partnership? Lots of relationships fail when one or both partners try to avoid the conflict of bringing up uncomfortable topics.

One way to go deeper and stay connected to your partner is to use what I call anticipatory empathy.