What does gaslighting mean

My book was rereleased earlier this year when gaslighting became a cultural phenomenon — specifically, the constant lies from the Trump administration while his supporters trumpeted his fast and loose twisting of reality. The phrase originated from a mystery thriller written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton called Gas Light, made into a popular movie in starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the film, husband Gregory manipulates his adoring, trusting wife Paula into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality.

In one pivotal scene, Gregory causes the gaslights in the house to flicker by turning them on in the attic of the house. The term appeared in academic discourse before it hit the mainstream. Experts postulated that women were trained to long and hunger for relationships and connection, a conditioning that made them vulnerable to exploitation of their attachment, which is exactly what gaslighting is.

Gaslighting in interpersonal relationships often develops or builds on an existing power dynamic. Gaslighting happens in relationships where there is an unequal power dynamic and the target has given the gaslighter power and often their respect. The question remains, though: How does someone become a gaslighter?

How can you spot when it happens to you? And once you identify it, how do you deal with it? Years ago, I worked with a couple, Janine and Dan, both high achievers in their 40s living in Philadelphia. Their names have been changed to protect their identities. The couple was enjoying their newlywed life until the gaslighting started.

When they had kids and decided that Janine would stay home and care for them, Dan took a higher-paying job that involved a lot of travel. But she somehow felt less and less entitled to knowing anything about his life — after all, she really was a nightmare with money. They stopped couples therapy, claiming that the cost was too high. The last time I heard from Janine, Dan had admitted to being involved in another relationship. In many cases, the gaslighting occurred over both accurate accusations Dan was spending a lot of money on the road and emotional complaints Janine noticed that Dan was distancing himself.

Continuous invalidity of how the other partner feels about a situation is just as effective as saying their perceptions are wrong. A gaslighter is a student of social learning. They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a potent tool.

To be frank, it works. The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative. Gaslighters are people, too. For many, gaslighting could be a bad habit picked up from the relationships they grew up around. But it can be difficult to achieve this if they continue to buffer you from your own reality. Take a look at the list below. If any part of the list resonates with you, you may be involved in a gaslighting relationship and need to look further.

In what context are you hearing these phrases? Typical triggers that create a stressful environment that can lead to gaslighting include topics such as money, sex, your families of origin, or habits you came into the relationship with. In my clinical experience, many women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners.

Men are not. It can be excruciatingly difficult to pull oneself out of a gaslighting power dynamic like the one Janine was experiencing. But it is possible. The antidote to gaslighting is greater emotional awareness and self-regulation — both the knowledge and the practice. Gaslighting has a significant impact on mental health , so it is essential for people who experience gaslighting to make sue they look after theirs. Gathering evidence may remind a person that they are not imagining things.

This evidence may also become useful later on if a person decides to pursue legal action against the abusive person. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offer ideas on how to gather proof. These include:. It is vital for someone who lives with an abusive person to make sure any proof they gather is private and that they erase their search history after looking up information on gaslighting or abuse.

A person can:. People can also create a safety plan, which includes ways to protect themselves from physical and emotional abuse before, during, and after leaving the relationship or situation. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a safety plan may include:.

According to a set of recommendations by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention CDC , in domestic relationships, acts of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting, tend to occur alongside other types of abuse.

Over time, gaslighting may escalate into physical violence. Anyone who believes they are experiencing abuse from a partner or family member should seek support. A person can contact domestic abuse organizations for advice and help with creating a safety plan.

For the mental health impact of gaslighting, a person may find it helpful to talk confidentially to a therapist that has experience helping people in abusive relationships. Gaslighting is a form of abuse that causes someone to doubt their sanity or perceptions.

It usually takes place in relationships and social interactions where there is a power imbalance. They may not realize the behavior is abusive. People experiencing gaslighting can find safe ways to document evidence of the abuse and create a safety plan to protect themselves from harm. A domestic abuse organization or mental health professional may be able to help someone leave or recover from abuse. Gaslighting is a form of abuse when a person questions another person's behavior and sanity. Learn the signs, how to get proof, and where to find help.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that can be difficult to spot. Learn how to deal with gaslighting with these eight tips. Some signs of emotional abuse include controlling, shaming, blaming, and purposely humiliating another person. Emotional abuse can occur in many…. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. It is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality.

Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are losing their sanity. Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it's not uncommon for it to occur in controlling friendships or among family members as well. Toxic people use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others in order to manipulate friends, family members, and sometimes even co-workers. Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality.

When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment and overall mental health.

It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting someone might use. People who engage in gaslighting are habitual and pathological liars. They will blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception. They may say something like: "You're making things up.

That never happened. Lying is the cornerstone of a gaslighter's destructive behavior. Even when you know they are lying, they can be very convincing. In the end, you start to second-guess yourself.

Gaslighters spread rumors and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy. Additionally, the gaslighter may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you. These people may never say a bad thing about you, but the gaslighter will make every attempt to get you to believe they do.

When you ask a gaslighter a question or call them out for something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don't feel the need to respond. Trivializing your emotions allows the gaslighter to gain power over you.

They might make statements like: "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive? When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin to question them yourself.

What's more, you may never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely difficult to cope with. Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how the abuser's behavior makes you feel, they're able to twist the conversation so that you end up believing that you are the cause of their bad behavior.

They claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do. Bullies and abusers are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance.

This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to heal from the bullying or abusiveness. Sometimes when called out or questioned, a gaslighter will use kind and loving words to try to smooth over the situation.

They might say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose. These words may be what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic, especially if the same behavior is repeated. That said, they may be just enough to convince you to let them off the hook, which is their only goal.